


the night is crawling through my eyes

by gillywulf



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Amnesia, Angst with a Happy Ending, Author, F/F, editor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-06
Updated: 2016-08-06
Packaged: 2018-07-29 17:47:25
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,822
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7693714
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/gillywulf/pseuds/gillywulf
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Lexa Woods woke up one morning and found ten years of her life gone.</p>
            </blockquote>





	the night is crawling through my eyes

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote 94% of this at one in the morning before I went to sleep because that was the only time I had motivation or interest. Sorry in advance.

Lexa Woods woke up one morning and found ten years of her life gone.

She’d lived them of course, but the car that had smashed into her at almost full speed a few days before wiped them clear from her head. All she knew was that she had a ten page paper due in the morning and she hadn’t started yet.

Anya and the doctors talked and talked to her about her broken arm and leg, her concussion, amnesia, and how her job was ready to give her all the time she needed. Lexa nodded listlessly. She didn’t remember graduating. She didn’t remember the countless awkward interviews before the publishing company offered her a startlingly low salary job that she jumped on. She didn’t remember the years of working up to become an editor. She didn’t remember any of it.

She scratched under her cast as Anya watched from the corner of the room. Yet, her eyes never seemed to settle on her little sister. They constantly flickered to the door and - mixed with her sour expression - Lexa could guess that she was waiting for someone. But who?

No one ever came.

Their parents had apparently died three and two years ago; heart failure and cancer. It’d been a little jarring to hear. Anya rubbed her back soothingly until she’d cried as much as she could. The doctors eventually decided that she was healed and healthy enough to be released into her sister’s care.

 

~

 

The next three months were rough. Anya went to the apartment Lexa rented (but didn’t remember) and brought all of her things to set her up in her office. True, there were bookshelves, a desk, and a very thin computer (how had technology come so far in ten years?), but Anya treated it like Lexa’s room. She never entered without knocking which was something her teenage self could have learned, and she always hovered in the doorway, ready to leave immediately if asked.

Lexa’s body healed irritatingly slow and the wheelchair quickly became an annoyance. Their childhood friend Lincoln occasionally stopped by to help with more complicated tasks that required more than one person (Anya chose the wrong time to by something from IKEA).

And that was how it was.

A system was put in place, and they learned to live around it. Lexa eventually went back to work (without the wheelchair), shadowing another editor to get back in the groove of what she missed. Raven stared blankly at her as she stood in the doorway to her office.

“What?” she spat evenly. Lexa felt wrong-footed. Her boss told her that Raven knew about the arrangement. Did Raven not like her? Did she not agree with Lexa starting back at a level she couldn’t perform to? Did Lexa forget something vital that Raven needed her not to forget ever?

“Uh, hi. I’m Lexa Woods, I’m supposed to be shadowing you-”

“I know who you are. We’ve had offices next to each other for the past four years” Her face stayed blank and expectant. Not helpful for Lexa.

“Right,” She paused and glanced around the office again. A chair sat in one corner that would give her a decent view of the whole room. She pointed to it. “Do you want me to just sit there and watch? I can take notes” Her hand with her notepad involuntarily jerked upwards. Finally, Raven’s blankness broke. She rolled her eyes.

“I know you do,” she mumbled something under her breath that sounded suspiciously like ‘love notes’ and typed something on her thin computer - er, laptop. “Yes, sit in the chair. Don’t be shy with questions. I will not be making up for your mistakes later”

Lexa stayed as quiet as she could for the day as she didn’t want Raven angrier with her than she already was. She did ask questions, but they were kept for when she was sure she didn’t understand. The most interesting points of the day were Raven’s meetings with her authors to discuss manuscript changes. Lexa sat enraptured as she listened to the woman argue with two different middle aged men about subtle word changes. Both times Lexa agreed with Raven, but she said nothing. That was Raven’s job.

Around three in the afternoon, things changed. Both authors had left, letting Raven catch up on paperwork. Lexa herself was munching happily on her sandwich - a late lunch - when the door burst open.

“Rae I can’t deal with this new editor-” A blond woman in an overly large button down and truly ratty jeans burst into the office. Her bright hair was messy and her arms were laden with a thick manila folder and what looked like a manuscript. She was a whirlwind as she dropped herself into one of the chairs, the papers on Raven’s desk, and her head in her hands.

“Clarke-” Suddenly Raven showed more emotion than she had all day. Her eyes were wide with panic and her voice was sharp, but _Clarke_ didn’t seem to notice.

“I mean, he’s fine, but he doesn’t get the _story_ like she did, or even its _intention_ like her. How am I supposed to publish this the way it should be if Lexa-”

“Clarke!” The blond woman stopped. She lifted her head and fixed Raven with a confused glare. Only then did her eyes seem to take stock of the other party in the office. She shot out of her chair, her body stiff.

Frankly, Lexa thought it was a lot of a reaction. From what Clarke had said, she could surmise that she’d been the author’s editor before her accident. She could also see how blatantly _beautiful_ she was, even in her less-than-best state, she was absolutely gorgeous and Lexa forced herself to blink through her haze of attraction and find words.

“Hi,” she began lamely, “I guess you’re one of my authors” Something she said hit the woman hard. Her face crumpled, but before anyone could call her on it, she smoothed her face into a wet smile and crossed the room with an extended hand.

“Yeah, Clarke Griffin,” Lexa took her hand and found herself waking up naked in the most luxurious bed. She was warm and truly content in a way she could only be after a night of the best sex a girl could have. She knew that her lover was just in the next room getting breakfast- “Glad to see you so soon after the accident” She was in the office, shaking hands with Clarke Griffin. There was no bed or post-coital breakfast.

“Ah, yeah, it’s been tough” Their hands lingered before Clarke shuddered and ripped herself out of the conversation and back over to the desk. She scooped her papers back into her arms and shot to the door.

“Bye Raven,” She stared openly at Lexa for a moment, “bye Lexa” The Editor raised her hand in a little wave, but Clarke was already gone. A pregnant pause was left in her wake. Raven cleared her throat.

“Make sure you listen to the writer’s intentions when you edit” she grumbled. Lexa nodded and jotted it down. In the corner of her pad, she scribbled Clarke’s name.

 

~

 

“Anya” Lexa leaned against the kitchen island and frowned at the granite. It was beautifully done.

“Yah?” Her sister was lounging in her living room, as sprawled out across her sofa as she could get. There was book somewhere in the haphazard mess of her position, but they most definitely weren’t going to find it for a least a week.

“Do you know if I was seeing anyone? Even like, super casually?” At that, Anya froze. Lexa could tell instantly that whatever words came out of her sister’s mouth next, they’d probably be a lie.

“Why would you ask that?” Lexa scratched absently at her right wrist.

“I just, remembered like a flash of something today. I was in a bed and there was definitely someone else, but that’s really it. Nothing more descriptive at all” she admitted. At first Anya didn’t react. She stayed stock still on the sofa. Then, slowly, she rose up and sauntered over to the island.

“You never told me about anything, but that’s not to mean you didn’t get laid. You probably did” It was a non-answer, a lie, and an admission all in one. She nodded and retreated to her room. Maybe she could find a clue Anya accidentally let slip into a box. Maybe she could find a clue as to why Anya wasn’t telling her about it.

She found nothing.

Lexa forced herself to forget it and move on with her routine. Every morning, she’d wake up, do a few memory exercises, get frustrated that she wasn’t remembering anything, get coffee at the local coffee shop (get confused as to why the small dark haired barista glared at her constantly), shadow Raven (get confused as to why _she_ glared at her constantly), and go home. It wasn’t necessarily fun, but she was okay with that.

 

~

 

Soon enough she began to get her own authors back. Raven had to sit in on every meeting and discuss her thoughts afterwards, but in the grand scheme of things, it was progress.

Clarke came in one day looking far more put-together than their last meeting. She was in a stark white button down and a casual blazer. Her golden hair fell over her shoulders and perfect make-up made her dazzling blue eyes pop. She smiled warmly.

“Good morning” she greeted with an outstretched hand. The missing years in her head hit her like a freight train. Lexa was instantly aware of her own twenty-year old head and its inability to talk to beautiful girls. She’d managed to score a few dates and a few single nights in college, but adult women? Women who knew what they wanted and who were mature about it? It was a mystery. She shot to her feet.

“Yes, thank you for coming in” She took Clarke’s hand and she was pressing Clarke back into their kitchen counter. Their faces were close and warm as they giggled and grabbed at one another’s clothes (Lexa was sure that was her shirt draped over the blond’s shoulders). There was flour on the top of Clarke’s lip so Lexa leaned in-

“I have to admit,” Lexa jolted, “I’m curious to what you thought. It’s not often you get to read something for the first time twice” Clarke is the picture of professionalism as she slips into the guest chair. It’s jarring. For a full ten seconds, Lexa could do nothing but stare. What were they? Why was Clarke pretending it didn’t happen? Why didn’t she come see her in the hospital?

Clarke was frowning at her. Perhaps ten seconds was too long to stand there doing and saying nothing. She shook her head, pushing the thoughts and confusion away for later, and dove into her notes. She forced herself to remain stoic as images that could only be memories swam before her eyes with every glance to her author.

Kissing her against a kitchen counter and waking up with her - probably - after a long night of sex were signs of an intimacy that otherwise had no evidence. Were they hiding it? Why would they hide it? Was Clarke ashamed of her? Had Lexa said something?

A headache began pounding at the corners of her skull.

“This was a good start that we can continue with another meeting” She pushed her chair back with her knees and held her hand out expectantly. Clarke blinked at the sudden ending, then obliged.

“Thank you for your time,” Their hands touched and the blond was sitting across from her at a cafe, their hands lazily entwined as Lexa stirred a coffee and Clarke sketched- “I’ll take your advice into consideration” She was gone. For almost ten full minutes after, Lexa stood at her desk, hand extended and staring towards the office door.

 

~

 

“Be honest with me,” Lexa demanded as she burst through the door to her sister’s apartment. Anya raised her head from her magazine with no shortage of hesitation. “Did you know about Clarke?” The woman froze.

“Did I know what about who?”

“ _Anya_ ”

“Look,” she began with a sigh. She slapped her magazine closed and planted both feet on the ground. “I can’t tell you anything. I promised I wouldn’t” With a strangled cry, Lexa threw her hands in the air.

“Promised _who_?” She was met with silence. For a long while, it was suffocating. Each refused to speak out of sheer determination to make the other talk first. Lexa could feel the vein in her neck pulsating and throbbing. Any second now she would scream, shout at Anya until something broke or changed. Any second now.

Anya’s phone rang. The moment shattered. With a glance towards Lexa, she answered it.

“Hello?”

 

~

 

Work became awkward. As Clarke’s novel was more complicated than most, she was required to come in to the office more often than most other authors. Lexa point blank refused to touch her again, choosing awkward waving and nods over handshakes and hugs. Clarke clearly noticed, as her lips thinned together with each aborted gesture.

At the end of another meeting, Lexa rose from her chair and folded her hands neatly behind her back with a careful smile. Clarke pursed her lips once more and left with a vacant nod. As soon as she was clear of the floor, Lexa marched to the office next door. Raven was reading a manuscript lazily, her finger tangling her phone cord. She jumped at the sight of Lexa.

“What-”

“Why do you hate me?” Silence. Then, almost as if it were in slow motion, Raven’s face crumpled.

“I don’t”

“You _act_ like it”

“Being mad at you is not the same as hating you”

“Then-” Raven dropped the manuscript onto the flat of her desk with a loud slap. Lexa almost thought it had been her face.

“Talk to Clarke” Raven sighed.

“Okay” Lexa longed for something she could take hold of and understand, but this conversation would not be it.

 

~

 

The picture fell from a copy of _Pride & Prejudice_.

It as cheap paper - clearly just printed off a computer - but that didn’t cheapen the image. She held Clarke close to her body, a wide grin on her face the she tried to bury in the blond’s neck. Hands gripped hers at Clarke’s stomach, but Clarke didn’t try and hide how happy she was. Her teeth were bright and her eyes sparkled with an excitement that Lexa didn’t know the origin of. The space around them was blank walls and bare wood floors. On the back, scribbled in quick pencil was;

 

_Clexa’s first night at 214 Guard st. ♥_

Lexa stared. There was no possible other explanation. She shoved the picture into her pocket and marched towards the front door. Her urgency alarmed Anya, causing her sister to shoot up from the floor (her IKEA could wait).

“Lexa-”

“ _Don’t_ ” She spat with every ounce of venom she had, carefully warning her sister to stay away until further notice. People moved out of her way with no prompting and a taxi stopped just outside of her building with barely a flash of her hand.

“Where to?”

“214 Guard please” Lexa’s mind raced more with each block. What would she find there? Would it be anything? Would it be everything? Both thoughts were equally terrifying. The cab rolled to a stop. Her feet hit the pavement and a box was in her hands, her thighs already aching from the flights of stairs she knew she’d have to climb. But it was good. It was _so_ good.

A shoulder against her own threw her out of the memory. With a shake of her head, she pushed to the front door. The line of buzzers beside the door each had a name tag and her eyes skipped over each one looking for _anything_ to spark something.

_Griffin/Woods_

The last one was the final proof. For a long moment, Lexa could do nothing but stare. She had been in a relationship with Clarke. Someone she had seen very frequently since the accident. Someone who could easily have told her what was going on.

“Lexa! I haven’t seen you in a while” She whirled around to see a nice looking man grinning at her. _Monty_ her brain supplied helpfully.

“Yeah, I’ve not been well” It wasn’t a complete lie. He frowned in sympathy.

“Well that’s unfortunate. Did you lose your key?” She nodded and he helpfully let her in. Monty spent no time at all telling her how good of friends he’d been with them as neighbors and how Clarke had been acting strangely the past few months, which made more sense now that he knew Lexa had been sick. He dropped her in front of her front door with a smile and a promise for dinner before disappearing into his own apartment next door.

The door she’d shared with Clarke was the same. A plain white thing, scuffed with years of use and life, it was the only thing that stood between her and the truth. With a breath far too shaky to be really sure, she knocked. Nothing. She knocked again. Same result.

“Lexa?” Her body turned before her brain had registered the voice. Clarke held a large heavy grocery bag against her side and her key in the other. Her eyes narrowed at Lexa in confusion and definitely a little bit of fear.

“Hi” Lexa mumbled.

“What are you doing here? How do you know where I live?” She held up the photo. Clarke’s eyes latched on to it immediately. “Ah,” she paused, “do you want to come in?” She gestured sharply to the door and Lexa managed a nod. Being inside the apartment wasn’t much better. Clarke dumped her groceries haphazardly onto the kitchen counter and Lexa studiously avoided looking around the room. She didn’t want a memory knocking her off her feet again.

“I remember things some times” she began. Clarke hesitated, milk halfway to the fridge.

“What things?” Lexa shrugged.

“Nothing significant, small moments every now and again. Usually because of you” The milk was in the fridge and the door closed slowly.

“Oh”

“Why didn’t you tell me? Why did you let me forget you? That isn’t your choice to make” Now Clarke faced her.

“It isn’t? Whose is it then? Anya’s? _Yours_? You couldn’t even remember your own address. I was letting you go. I didn’t want you to be trapped in a relationship you didn’t feel anything for. I _love_ you, I would never want that for you, I could never-” She cut herself off, realizing the words that so easily fell from her mouth. “I-” she swallowed hard.

In another moment, Lexa would be gone, stormed out of the apartment in a whirlwind of conflicting, yet complimentary emotions swirling around her brain and keeping her too off-balance to think clearly about anything. In another moment, Clarke would be collapsed on the floor, her back pressed firmly to the metal of her dishwasher as she tried in vain to stop herself from crying over this _again_.

But, for now, they simply stared.

 

~

 

“Why are you mad at me?” Raven looked up from her computer as Lexa lowered herself into the ‘writers chair’. She was immediately on edge. The woman’s demeanor was entirely different from the last time she’d asked that question. She looked tired now, barely even focused on Raven at all.

“You know, Clarke was one of my best friends before she ever published anything,” Lexa raised an eyebrow, confused at the turn of conversation, but she said nothing. “all of high school, all of college, then our shitty post-college years, all spent together. So when she told me when was finally getting her book published, I was stoked. She came home after her first meeting with you in a daze. She barely talked about the book. It was all you”

“I-”

“Nope, you gotta wait,” Lexa’s mouth snapped shut. “And then you guys started dating and you moved in together and I’ve honestly never seen two people more meant for each other than you two. I don’t think you could imagine what she was like after your accident,” Raven leaned back in her chair and ran a hand over her face with a frustrated sigh, “I hate what you’re doing to her and I hate that you have no control over it. I don’t hate you”

 

~

 

Anya knew. Someone must have called to give her a heads-up, that was the only explanation. She stood feet from the doorway, simply waiting for her sister to push open the door. Lexa stared blankly at her.

“Did she ask you not to tell me?” Anya nodded. “What should I do?” Anya shrugged.

“That’s on you, kid. Always has been”

 

~

 

Lexa shuffled the papers and folders on her desk uncomfortably. As soon as the middle aged man left her office, she’d have an appointment with Clarke, their first time seeing each other since Lexa had rushed out of their apartment. She wasn’t sure how to feel, but she knew that cancelling the appointment and running away - like she wanted - would do no good.

She had to stay.

“Well, that’s all good information for me. Thanks” The man waved tiredly to her and pushed himself out of the chair and the room. Lexa watched him, feeling her heart beat painfully against her sternum as she choked back fear. After each moment that passed, the hairs on the back of her neck stood more rigidly on end.

Her hands fidgeted with her pen. Her feet crossed and uncrossed themselves. Her eyes flickered to the door no less than ten times a minute. And yet, no Clarke. Her phone buzzed madly against her desk.

_Clarke [2:19 pm]: Sorry, I can’t be there today_

Lexa tried not to let the fierce disappointment cloud the rest of her day. She was unsuccessful.

 

~

 

The bed was starting to absorb her body shape, she was sure. Lexa spent so many hours in bed that it would without a doubt swallow her whole one day. And she’d welcome it. It was exhausting. To feel this much and remember so little? She _needed_ a frame of reference but all she had were college memories that couldn’t help with being an adult.

Her mind wandered to Clarke (as it had a habit of doing).

Whatever this dance of cancelled meetings and narrowly avoiding each other was, it wasn’t helping anything. They still needed to finish Clarke’s book and Lexa still needed her job. She sighed.

There had to be a way to end this, a way to peacefully resolve whatever tension was between them. How had they solved fights before-

They were _screaming_. They fought, as couples do, but this ferocity was new for both of them and it quickly made them both panic and the fight only escalated. Lexa had done something she’d clearly known not to do and Clarke had retaliated. Lexa’s throat was starting to grow hoarse when all at once they went silent. They turned away from one another and Clarke leaned heavily against a chair back.

The air was tense, their faces red. Who would be the first to break the silence? Lexa finally spoke, sharp, but with a smile. Clarke’s laugh startled both of them and the next thing they knew, they were clutching each other with laughter. Any minute now, they’d-

Lexa gasped. The rush of memories was few and far between, but never had they lasted so long. Nor had they ever been quite so poignant. Never the less, it was helpful. She fell ungracefully out of bed and rushed to throw her shoes on. If Anya had been home to watch her, there likely would have been several jokes about just learning how to walk, yet thankfully, she had disappeared somewhere during the previous night and Lexa didn’t spare her a single thought as she spilled out onto the street and took off at a dead sprint.

It was almost a full five minutes before she registered that it was raining.

It was almost two minutes after _that_ her vision started to blink, memories flashing through her brain of the last ten years. Images of grocery shopping, movie nights with Anya, a date or two with Clarke. Her brain broke into a splitting headache that blurred her vision, but she wouldn’t let herself stop, not even when cars came within an inch of her kneecaps.

Her knees and teeth were knocking by the time she reached the apartment. Rain pierced her bones as she pounded on the door. Her legs gave way. She was glad she didn’t feel the pavement as she fell.

 

~

 

She was warm. Not uncomfortably so, but just enough to make her want to go back to sleep. Lexa took a deep breath and inhaled a few vague memories as she registered the scent of the apartment. Her wet clothes were gone, replaced instead with a baggy hoodie and boxers that narrowly avoided slipping from her hips.

“Those were yours” Clarke’s voice in the doorway startled her. And so did how she was dressed. Her pin straight slacks tapered at her ankles, drawing all attention to her un _fairly_ sexy shoes. Frankly, that might have been enough for Lexa, but no, Clarke went even further. Her blazer was more of a shirt than anything she wore under it. Even her lacy bra was visible. The effect was staggering. Lexa could only gape. Words.

“What?” Clarke crossed her arms - the view of her chest obscured - and nodded towards her new clothes.

“Anya left them here in her haste to pack your things” They didn’t look familiar, but she decided not to comment.

“Were you going somewhere?” she asked instead. Clarke shifted.

“O was- er, Octavia, my friend, was taking me out. I think she planned to bring someone for me to hook up with” Lexa frowned, but didn’t say anything. “What were you doing here?”

“I wanted to talk”

“And you couldn’t have taken a cab or a Lyft or anything?” she asked, gesturing forcefully to the window streaked as it was with rain that still fell.

“I was in too much of a rush”

“For what?” Clarke huffed.

“To tell you I remember how to stop fighting with you” The woman in the doorway perked up at that. Her eyes roamed over Lexa’s body as if there would be some physical change in her now that she remembered something.

“You remember how to stop fighting with me?”

“Why did Mozart kill all his chickens? Because when he asked them who the best composer was, they'd all say ‘Bach Bach Bach!’” For a long moment, Clarke simply stared at her. Lexa was absolutely sure her joke had fallen through until the blond doubled over, her wheezing laughter filling the silence until it turned into sobbing. In no time at all, Lexa was off the couch and gathering Clarke into her arms.

It was familiar to hold her, in a distant sort of way. She remembered doing it in the past, but it was like watching a video of something and then claiming it to be her own experience. She hoped that as her memories came back - because they were going to, they _had_ to - that feeling would go away. She should probably talk to a doctor at some point.

She sneezed rather violently.

“C’mon,” Clarke snuffled, “let’s get you to bed” Together, they shuffled towards the apartment’s only bedroom. The moment she stepped into the cozy room, Lexa felt the tingle of memories at the back of her head. Yes, being here and being with Clarke were good things.

“Clarke” The woman paused. “I need you to know. I care about you. I know I don’t remember everything yet, and honestly, I may never, but that doesn’t mean I can’t remember the important bits, like how I felt about you. I remember how you like your coffee, why you hate combs, and the story you told me about that one time you got arrested. I don’t remember meeting you or your parents. I don’t remember how we decided to move in together. But I just-” her heart wrenched, “please take a chance on me” she pleaded. It was a long shot, she knew. Especially since she wasn’t even sure-

“Okay” Lexa gaped.

“What?” Clarke laughed, her eyes shining a little.

“I was wrong about all of this. I should have stayed with you from the beginning. It would have been hard, yeah, but this has just been- _so stupid_ ” She gripped Lexa’s biceps and Lexa was gone. She carefully held Clarke’s elbows and walked them backwards until the backs of her knees collided with the bed.

“Stay with me now” Clarke’s answering laugh was watery.

“Yeah, okay”


End file.
